What I truly desire

I am a truly determined person with a never ending desire for certain things.
I want something out of this life. Something other than the “usual”. I want more…but not in a u satisfied way. One could say it seems unsatisfied to constantly want change and always want something better off. But this life is like a movie. There are phases and scenes and it’s up to you how you want the play by play to come together.

Just in general, the things I want and have a strong desire to acquire have to do with some different aspects. I want to be happy. Don’t we all try our hardest to be happy people. But in my little world, it’s quite difficult. In order for me to be happy… I want things in a specific order. (I swear I don’t have OCD) but I sure act as if I can’t survive without this specific sequence of events.

This all starts with me. I know what I have to change about myself. There are a lot of qualities that I’d love to just let go of. But my DNA doesn’t allow that. Physically and mentally and emotionally there is a lot to work on. I guess I’ll start with physically. It’s quite obvious I need to lose weight, get in shape, and take care of my overall health. Mentally, I want to be more intellectually interactive with school and professional organizations. Emotionally, I want to be carefree in a sense of I live for me and no one else. I want to be emotionally more stable when it comes to making and keeping friends, and starting new relationships. Relationships… I don’t know how I feel about that. Today’s society makes it unbelievably difficult to meet someone at the same level as myself. I’m really looking for someone I can bond with. Even if it’s not an instantaneous bond… I just want to be able to share the most important moments in my life (even the trivial) with this person. Someone who has the same mindset as me. Someone goal driven and on their way to success if their already not successful. Someone extremely intellectual that if we get bored of being silly we can learn from each other and talk about our field of study together, watch and be updated by the news, and someone who will listen to what I have to say.

Enough about love.. I can go on and on about that and I will save that for a different moment in time.

Secondly, besides changing myself. I want to be able to communicate and become much closer to my family. I love my mom so much. She always has been there whenever I needed her almost to the point that I feel I took advantage of it. What would I do without her??? Don’t even wanna think about that. My dad, is amazing. We might not communicate all the time about educational or goal driven topics, but his simple conversations make me realize life can be simple too— if you allow it. My brothers are good to me. They try to treat me right most of the time. The goal of this is to allow myself more patience and calmness when someone says something negative. It’s hard since I was around such negative energy all my life. In the end, I only have good things to say about my family. We are one good, close, tight fam.

Next major aspect I want to work out perfectly is school. School because it means my future career. Which ultimately means my future ! I want to make a good amount of money. I want to be able to live and lead a comfortable life. I don’t want to worry every week about how I’m going to “get by”. I don’t want to borrow money. I don’t want to owe people anything. I want to be self sufficient. Totally independent and self sustaining. I know I can do it. This workload is non ending and it can lead me to have feelings I’ve had in the past. The only thing or advice I can say is: keep pushing and don’t let AnyTHING or ANYONE stop me. Just go as far as I can and surpass that. Phew. There’s a lot more I want to write about this. It’ll wait.

So overall I want to fix change amend: myself, my relationships, and my present in school (future depends on it)

My thoughts are so much more detailed than this because as I’m writing this I have about ten more stuff about each topic. I just needed to write this out. I needed to release all of this kempt up stuff in my head … It was torturing me.

I feel relieved and calm. It’s time to try to get to sleep.

I hate myself

Need to get away… A day trip.. But far far away

I feel used

I dont wanna be used for being too good.

Literally it all comes from the heart

I talk— it means nothing. You talk—- everyone drop everything && listen.